I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
