Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
