Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
