Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
