How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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