before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize