I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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