dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
