I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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