Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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