life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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