Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
