I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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