Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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