All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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