What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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