Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
