You're completely useless in the revolution.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
