Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
