i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
