You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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