A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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