I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
