I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
