I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize