made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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