Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
