Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
