3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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