It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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