I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize