puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm way too hungover for life right now
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
