I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
