On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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