Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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