When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
