my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I deserve this hangover.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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