We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
