i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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