All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
