Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize