My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
