My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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