hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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