Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
