I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
