Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
