I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
OPIZZABONMYDICK
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
