She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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