OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
