If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
