The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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