I wish life had little blips of pornography
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
