dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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