Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You left your underwear on the fireplace
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
