I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
