He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
we have pet lesbian snakes
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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