It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize