im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
