I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
