Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
