i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
