I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
