Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
